Let's Go Anywhere
by here4rizzles
Summary: Jane and Maura take some time off to go on a roadtrip to find themselves and each other.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N I'm a little stuck on my other stories but I need to write to get out of life for a while. I have no idea where this story will go and if I'll add more chapters. Give it a follow if you like it and you'll be updated! Let me know what you think, I love getting reviews._

Chapter 1

It was Maura's idea. It was her idea to take some time off after the kidnapping, after everything. Time to process, to take a break, time to just be. It was a good idea. But after a week at home, things weren't much better. She has nightmares. Panic attacks. Anxiety, stress, fear. She knows exactly what's happening and her big brain is processing everything in the medical terms she knows so well, but there's more to it than the clinical way she approaches it. It's in the way she talks about it, the way she cries at night and in the devastated look she gets when she makes a mistake at work. She's not herself and that scares her. And to be honest, it scares me too.

"A leave of absence sounds so serious." I stare at the screen on my desk, checking again if I took care of everything.

"It's not that serious, I know lots of cops that take time off." Korsak hands me a cup of coffee and I smile gratefully at him. "With the things we see every day, it only takes time for the tank to overflow. You gotta take some time to empty it."

"Yeah." I sigh deeply and click the 'send' button on the last file I need to send.

"The same goes for Maura." He looks at me and I can see in his eyes that he knows what I'm thinking.

"Good old Korsak knows me well."

"I've worked with you for a long time, Rizzoli. I know she's more important to you than anything else."

"She is." I take a sip of my coffee, enjoying the warm liquid warming me up from inside. "Her tank is flooded too." My voice is suddenly softer when I think about the Medical Examiner who is downstairs taking care of the same things as I am right now. "I just hope this is the right way for her to empty it."

"You'll find out."

I nod and look at my colleague when he walks back to his own desk to accept a call. He's a kind man. He was the first one to support me when I told him I wanted to take some time off. He always has my back, no matter what road I take. "I'll miss you, Korsak," I whisper at my screen, not audible for the older man who is talking to someone on the phone.

We haven't decided how long we will be gone. We want to keep things open. Keep the freedom. I'm coming back, that's for sure. We start off with two months, longer if we need it. I send the last e-mail, make one more phone call and have a short talk with Cavanaugh before I head downstairs to the morgue.

Maura stands behind her desk, moving things around and organizing everything for the ME to take over. Her hair is partly clipped on the back of her head and her blond curls are loosely hanging over her shoulders, contrasting with her dark blue blouse that is tucked into a white skirt. Looking at this put together, always fashionable and brilliant doctor, no one can see the struggles she is facing inside.

She looks up when she sees me and she smiles. "Hi."

"Hi. You ready?"

"Almost. Are you?"

"Ready to go." I fumble with my keys. "I just need to go say goodbye to everyone but I figured we can do that together."

"Please." She closes her laptop and looks around her office. "It feels strange to be leaving," she whispers. "Even though I know it's not a final goodbye."

"It's still a goodbye. We just don't know for how long." I walk a little closer, leaving the desk between us. "We'll come back stronger, Maur."

"I know." She smiles again, this time nervously. She grabs her purse and walks around her desk to stand in front of me and gently place a kiss on my lips. Her lips are always soft and gentle they never fail to make my head spin. From the moment we finally got the nerve to tell each other how we felt and had our first kiss, I knew there would be no better feeling in the world. That moment is now three months ago and I can't help smiling when I think about it as we walk towards the elevators. Our relationship is still new and fresh, but at the same time we've been friends for a long time so it feels like we've been together forever. But now I can just wrap my arms around her and kiss her. I can make love to her and tell her how beautiful she is. Those privileges are things I immensely enjoy ever since that moment three months ago.

We decided on a road trip. That way, we have total freedom and can go wherever we want. No lines to check in, no flight delays, no airport stress. Just Maura, me and the sound of the car engine as we drive into the early morning sunrise. The back of the car is filled with Maura huge suitcase, my smaller bag and other bags with everything we might need. We don't know where we'll end up and much to my surprise, Maura seems fine with it. Her eyes are closed and her lips are curled up into a tiny smile as her head rests back against her seat. Our hands are tangled together in between us and the radio is playing an old song. For someone who hated leaving work, I'm having a pretty good time so far.

"We should take a break soon," Maura says, opening her eyes and looking at me. "You've been driving for almost four hours."

"I can go a little longer."

"I know, but you shouldn't." She smiles and shifts in her seat, pausing for a moment before continuing. "How are you?"

"Fine, why?"

"Because you didn't like the idea of taking time off work."

"When you first suggested it, no. But then I thought about it and we talked about it and I changed my mind. Now I think it's a good idea. Yeah, taking time off work isn't my thing and I'm not gonna pretend I won't miss it," I shrug and look to my left to pass a car, "but my tank is flooded too, just like yours."

Maura nods, remembering how I passed Korsak's words along last night when we were huddled up on the couch, exhausted after packing what feels like every single item in the house. "What's your tank filled with?"

"Basically the same as yours, I think. Murder. Blood. Killers. Hate. We face those things every single day. One day it's just enough. So we empty our tanks so we can come back stronger and fill it again, this time maybe slower." I see an exit and move to a different lane to take it, feeling my back hurting and my feet getting stiff.

Maura squeezes my hand without replying. I know the thoughts in her head are racing right now, but I also know she needs to process before she speaks. When we get out of the car, the air is crisp and cold but the sun is shining. Maura brought coffee in a thermos and she rests back against the hood of the car while she sips from a plastic cup. She's wearing a pair of dark jeans and a white sweater that hangs loose around her shoulders, her hair is tied up into a bun and she looks absolutely gorgeous. Before I can stop myself, I hear myself saying; "Jesus, you look stunning, Maura."

Maura chuckles. "What?"

I feel my cheeks turning red. "I uhm… I said you look beautiful." I take my place next to her and sip my own coffee that tastes old and like plastic.

"Thank you." Maura shakes her head and moves closer towards me, our arms touching. "How long before we will arrive at that hotel you booked?"

"I think we'll be there by six, hopefully."

"I still can't believe I let you pick a hotel." Maura chuckles and shakes her head. "Who knows what we'll find there?" 

"We will find a nice room with a big bed, a fancy bathtub and a balcony with a fine view." I put my empty cup on the hood of the car and wrap my arm around Maura's shoulders.

"Hm." Maura purses her lips and I feel her leaning into my side, her head resting on my shoulder. "You know I don't need a big bed."

"I know." I smile, placing a gentle kiss on top of her head. We haven't spent a single night apart since the kidnapping. I know Alice Sands is gone and we are out of danger but I want to keep her in my arms. I want to protect her while we sleep, making sure she sleeps peacefully. So we sleep tangled up together, Maura resting on top of me as I keep my arms securely wrapped around her. It's the only way she sleeps and the only way I can relax.

When I press my lips against her forehead, she lifts her head and meets my gaze, her eyes sparkling with both and sadness. She leans in and kisses me, softly at first but then harder while she puts her empty cup away to wrap her arms around my neck. I pull her as close as I can, wanting to crawl under her skin to get closer to her. Whenever we kiss, it's like the sky breaks open. It feels like all the clouds disappear and only sunshine fills our being. My heart pours over with love for this beautiful woman I am so lucky to call mine. We break the kiss and I stare into those gorgeous hazel eyes, eyes that hold their own galaxy of colors and emotions. I stare at the freckles on her nose and cheeks, the wrinkles around her eyes, the curves of her lips, that one strand of hair that has gotten out of the bun on top of her head. I tuck it behind her ear, a gesture that makes her blush and hide her face into the crook of my neck.

"Jane?"

"Yeah?"

"I-…" she sighs and doesn't move from her spot against my neck. "Do you… Do you realize the next months will be a test on our relationship?"

I furrow my brow. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, we'll be together every minute of every day for a long period of time. A lot of couples don't make it through a time like that. Some relationships don't even survive a vacation-…"

"Maura. What's your point?"

"My point is-…" she sighs and pulls away from me, avoiding my gaze by looking at her lap. "I'm afraid you'll get tired of me. We've been together for only three months, that's not a long time. You get tired of the way I talk 'Google' like you always say and you always say I share too much information and you know my bad habits… I just don't want those to put a strain on our relationship and I want you to tell me when you need space. You mean too much to me, Jane. Will you tell me? Will you tell me when you get tired of me so we can take our space?"

"Get tired of you?"

"Yes! I mean… I love you and our relationship is too important to me to risk-…"

"Alright stop it." I shake my head and move to look into her eyes. "I'm in love with you, Maura. With all of you. I'm in love with all those bad habits too."

"You complain when I share information."

"I like bickering with you." I smile and tilt my head while I take her hand in mine, tangling our fingers together. "Yeah, I realize we're taking a big step with this trip. But I'm ready to take that step, Maura. I can't wait to spend every minute of every day with you. I love it when you talk Google because you get that cute smile on your face and your eyes sparkle and you lift your eyebrows because you're so excited about all that boring information that's in your head. I like it when you get all worked up and try to convince me to listen to what you're saying, it is incredibly adorable."

"Adorable?" She tilts her head and her lips curl up into a cute little smile.

"Yeah." I chuckle and gently peck her lips. "I love you, Maura Isles. All of you. And I promise I'll tell you when I need space. Even though right now I don't want any space at all and I can't imagine ever wanting to be away from you."

"Thank you. I love you too, Jane."

"I know." I kiss her again and feel familiar butterflies in my stomach as she straddles me to pull herself against me.

"And I love all of your bad habits too, like how you like to drink beer out of a can and how you put too much sugar in your coffee, and like how you snore and don't know when to take a break."

"I don't snore!"

"Yes you do!" She points her finger at me. "You need to clear your sinuses, and I told you many times. And your Eustachian tube has been blocked for quite a while now, ever since that ear infection from a few weeks ago."

"My what tube?"

"Eustachian. Also known as the auditory tube or pharyngotympanic tube. It's a tube that links the nasopharynx to the middle ear. The Eustachian tube extends from the anterior wall of the middle ear to the lateral wall of the nasopharynx, approximately at the level of the inferior nasal concha."

I smile at the way her eyebrows rise and her eyes sparkle, the way her voice sounds when she says those stupid medical terms. She's so excited. Her head tilts a little and she points her finger as she teaches me those things, like I will remember them. "Like that," I whisper. "Just like that."

"What?" She stops her story and furrows her brow.

"Nothing." I shake my head and wrap my arms around her waist to kiss her again. The sun is bright and the air is getting warmer as we kiss lovingly and slowly, holding each other close on our first day of a journey we don't know anything about yet. But god, I'm so ready to take on that journey. I'm so ready to take care of her, to love her and to be with her. I'm so ready to make her have a good time and forget about everything that happened. I'm ready to let her take care of me and let her love me. I'm ready to help her empty my tank and I'm ready to empty hers. All the way to the bottom so that when we get back, we get back stronger and we can get it filled up again.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N Thank you for all your nice reviews! I couldn't resist and wrote one more chapter. I apologize for any mistakes. Also there's a poll on my profile so you can vote on which family fic you want me to continue. So vote and let me know! Also let me know what you think of this chapter, I'd love to hear your ideas! I tried to write it sincerely and make it sweet, I hope you like it. Love to you all!_

Chapter 2

Our hotel room is small but it's everything we need. It has a nice, small balcony and we are currently watching the stars up in the dark sky, huddled up in some cushions under a warm blanket. The whole scene is awfully romantic and perfect and in this moment I am sure we made the right decision. For the first time in what feels like forever, I feel totally relaxed and almost happy. Almost. The only thing I need to be totally happy is for Maura to be totally happy. I can almost hear the wheels in her head turning.

"You're thinking too much, babe," I whisper softly while I thread my fingers into her hair. "What's going on in that brilliant brain of yours?"

Maura sighs. "I just need to keep reminding myself that we're safe." She shakes her head and I feel her nuzzling herself into the crook of my neck. "It makes me tired."

"We are safe," I whisper back. "There's nothing to worry about." I manage a small smile when I pull back to look at her, but I think my smile is nothing more than a painful grin. "We don't need to be afraid anymore."

"Are you trying to convince me? Or yourself?"

I shrug my shoulders, looking at our hands that are tangled together on my chest. "Both."

"Is it working?"

"I'm not sure. Is it?"

Maura shrugs and she moves to straddle my lap, sitting up a bit to look into my eyes. She can look into my eyes like no one else can. It's like she looks into my heart with those big, hazel eyes. They sparkle with love and I know she sees right through me. There's no use in denying my feelings or pretending I'm not afraid. She knows me too well. "It's working for me," she answers softly. "Just for a few moments, it works perfectly. When I look at you and you tell me we're safe, I feel safe."

I smile at her, this time it's a real smile. I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and caress her cheek with the back of my fingers. "I want to make you feel safe all the time, though. I want to make you forget about everything."

"You know a way to do that." She leans forward and captures my lips in the most sensual kiss that makes my stomach tingle and my lips burn.

"Hmm." I hum into the kiss and move to press my lips against her cheek, jaw and neck, placing hot kisses on her soft skin. "I would love to," I whisper, "but there's a man over there looking at us so I suggest we go inside?"

"God!" Maura gasps and looks over her shoulder. "Oh, gross." She jumps off my lap and tugs on my hand to take me inside.

I chuckle and follow her, looking at how sexy she looks in a pair of leggings and a warm sweater. I can't wait to take it off. She turns and looks at me with a sultry look in her eyes, her lips curling up into an almost evil smile.

"You know exactly how to play me, don't you?" I laugh and try my best not to jump her when I wrap my arms around her to kiss her deeply and passionately.

She moans and laughs at the same time, a sound I love more than anything. Sex is never just about lust with us. It's never just about the sex. We laugh, we fool around, we can be stupid and giggle and be serious all at the same time. But most importantly, it's about love. It's all an expression of unconditional, passionate and endless love. We laugh when I pull her sweater over her head while we try to keep kissing, which obviously doesn't work so we break apart laughing and she tosses her sweater into a corner of the room before taking off mine and continuing the kiss.

My hands roam across the soft skin of her back, up and down her sides and up to her bra. It's one of those fancy bras with blue lace, which probably cost more than my entire wardrobe. I move my fingers towards the clasp as Maura traces my bottom lip with my tongue before gently biting it, eliciting a low moan from deep within me. "Jeez Maura, what the hell kinda bra is this?!" I break away and turn her around, a little too harsh. I focus on the clasp and try to undo it.

Maura laughs and shakes her head. "You're so romantic sometimes."

"Look at this thing! It has six of those hooks!" I furrow my brow as I fumble with the stupid thing. I just want to get it off. "Work with me, bra," I whisper through my teeth. "Give me my babies."

"Oh my God." Maura giggles and turns around, effectively pulling the clasp away from my fingers. She looks at me, still smiling widely and taking off her bra in one smooth motion.

"Wh-… How'd you do that?!"

"It's not that hard, Jane." She tosses her bra with her sweater, revealing her godly chest. "Can we focus now?"

"Definitely." I groan and move my arms around her waist, kissing her lips while I take one of her breasts in my hand, loving the feel and weight of it. I've always loved this part. The gentle touches and passionate kisses before the real thing. My stomach always tingles like it's our first time, but not with nerves. There's just excitement.

She takes off my bra with the same smoothness she did her own and I pull away from the kiss to breathe, feeling her focusing her kisses on my collarbone and chest. "You're a bra master, Maur."

"What can I say?" She moves back up and looks into my eyes, cupping my breast while she does. "I want my babies too."

"That's so cheesy."

"Shut up." She pulls me on the bed and straddles me, moving her lips towards mine, lowering the both of us on the soft mattress. "You feel cold," she whispers while she lowers my sweatpants and moves her hands over my upper thighs.

"I was just outside, it's cold out." I kiss her neck, something that turns her on every single time.

"Hmm. Maybe we picked the wrong time of year for this trip."

"I love autumn. Let's stop talking." We kiss passionately and my entire body is humming with pleasure as I enter her slowly, looking at the loving sparkle and lust-filled gaze in her eyes. "Let's forget," I whisper while I gently, carefully stroke her, "everything."

And we do. We don't think about anything but our love for the next hour. We make love slowly and gently, passionately and quick, lovingly and deeply. We don't think about kidnaps, stalkers, burning apartments and threats. We don't think about work or family drama or Boston. We are filled with each other's love and nothing else. Everything is perfect and it gets even more perfect when she collapses on top of me, breathing heavily and chuckling slightly.

"What's funny?"

"Nothing." Maura shakes her head and pulls away from the crook of my neck to look at me, the happiest smile in the world curling her lips. She traces my jaw with her finger. "I love you so much, Jane Rizzoli," she whispers. "You're my everything."

"I love you too, Maura Isles." I smirk and pull her back on top of me, loving the feeling of her skin against mine. "You are beautiful, Maura Isles. And gorgeous and perfect and stunning and the most amazing person in the entire world."

I feel her smiling against me but she doesn't reply. She just sighs contently and pulls herself closer against me. "Don't start thinking again, baby. We decided to forget, didn't we?"

"I wasn't thinking. Well-… I was thinking. But not about the things you are referring to."

"What are you thinking about then?"

"About you." She leans herself up on her elbow and looks at me again with that intensity from before. "About how much I love you, and how that scares me a little bit."

"Why?"

"Because I've never loved anyone as deeply as I love you. My feelings are so strong they scare me a little bit sometimes."

"I've never felt this way before either but I guess this is the way it's supposed to be, don't you think?"

"Maybe, yeah."

"I guess this is what it feels to meet your true love. This is what it feels like to fall in love." I smile, reaching up to stroke her cheek and tracing her freckles. "But I get what you mean, it scares me too."

"It does?"

"Yeah, but for different reasons."

"What reasons?" She strokes her hand over my side, moving up to my breast and back to my hip, loving and comforting.

I shrug my shoulders. "Just-… If I ever lose you, I'll be so lost. You're my entire world and if we ever end up apart, my world is gone."

"We won't end up apart."

"I know, but-…"

"We won't, Jane. I won't leave you."

I don't reply. How does she always know? How does she always know what I'm really thinking? I haven't even worked out my own thoughts yet and she's doing it for me. She's right. My biggest fear is that she'll leave me. That I won't be enough for her after all. That I can't make her happy. That's it. That's my fear.

"Tell me," she whispers, noticing the worry in my eyes.

"You know me so well. Are you a mind reader?"

"Jane."

I sigh deeply. "I'm-… I'm afraid I can't make you happy."

"Really?" Maura furrows her brow. "Don't you see it, Jane?" 

"See what?"

"How happy you make me? You've made me happier than anyone ever has. When I'm with you, I feel safe and loved. You're strong and funny and caring and you love me so much."

"So much."

"That's all I need, Jane." She smiles at me and leans down to gently, softly kiss my lips. "That's all I'll ever need to be happy."

"I want nothing more than to make you happy."

"Well, you're succeeding." Maura chuckles and moves us to sit up against the headboard, pulling the blankets with us to avoid getting cold. "I love you, you love me and that's truly all I need to be happy. As long as we keep that up, I'll be happy."

God, I love this woman. She's so beautiful, inside and out. I love her kind heart and her brilliant mind. I love her blond curls, her big eyes, soft lips and those adorable freckles. I love her pale skin, her beautiful curves and her gentle touches. I love the way she always looks classy no matter what she wears, I love the way she speaks and the way she laughs. I love her laugh the most. The way her eyes wrinkle on the sides, how her white teeth show and the sound of her laugh that always sounds genuine and real. I love making her laugh.

"Well that's a thing I can promise," I reply with a smirk. "I don't think I can ever stop loving you. I'll love you for the rest of my life, Maura Isles."

She smiles. That smile I love so much where her teeth show and her eyes wrinkle. "I will love you too for the rest of my life, Jane Rizzoli."

"Can we stop saying our last names? Makes me feel so official."

Maura gasps and giggles when I pull her back on top of me. "You started it, Rizzoli!"

"I know, and I'm asking to stop."

"Well, I do _officially_ love you," she says, sitting up on my legs and giving me a lovely view of her chest. "And I'm proud to be officially in love with a Rizzoli."

"Well yeah but it sounds like we're getting married or something."

"Would that be so bad?"

I close my mouth and my smile falls. Did she just suggest we get married? No. No, it was a joke. We're just fooling around. But to be honest, marrying her sounds perfect. Just imagining her as my wife makes me smile. "No, that wouldn't be bad at all," I reply quietly. "but we've been together for a few months so we might want to take it slow."

"I'm not suggesting we get married now, I'm just saying it doesn't sound like a bad idea."

"It sounds like an excellent idea, for a few years from now."

She chuckles and shakes her head. "You want to keep your options open, don't you?"

"Absolutely not." I see goosebumps rising on her skin so I pull her back on top of me and cover us in warm blankets. "You're my only option."

"Hmmm." She hums and I feel her relaxing against me, getting sleepy from our recent activities and passion. I've always loved these moments, where she gets tired and falls asleep against me. I always try to stay awake for it because I just don't want to miss this beautiful sight. Lately I always try to stay awake when she sleeps, just to make sure she sleeps peacefully. But tonight I know for sure she'll sleep peacefully. I know she will fall asleep with this love-induced smile on her face.

"Sleep, Maura," I whisper into her ear after I carefully kiss her temple. "I love you."

She smiles tiredly and nuzzles her nose into my neck. "Goodnight, my love."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The cold air rushes through my lungs as I make my way through unfamiliar streets. It's nice to be out. The muscles in my legs are burning but I barely feel it. I missed running. I missed this burning sensation in my legs, the feeling of running away from my thoughts and clearing my mind. A small part of me worries about Maura who stayed at the hotel but she knows I need this. I need to get outside and clear everything.

We have been on the road for a week now. We spent a few days in our first hotel and then we continued to the next town and the next. We spent two nights in the car but mostly stayed in motels, hotels and whatever we can find. Maura complains about the motels, but I would like to have some money left when we come back so we stay there anyway. Our current hotel is small and cozy, and particularly romantic and I know Maura is in bed reading a book so I think she'll be okay tonight.

When I feel my back hurting, I stop and try to catch my breath while I lean against a wall and look up at the stars. The sky is clear and the moon is bright, illuminating the houses around me. It's a magical night. I look at my watch and decide I've ran enough so I head back to the hotel, back to my girlfriend. A smile curls my lips when I think about her. I speed up, wanting to get to her quickly.

I take the stairs instead of the elevator as I get back to the hotel. My legs burn and I'm out of breath but I keep up the pace. I like getting to my boundaries and pushing my body to its limit. I only slow down when I arrive in the hallway of our room and I find the key card in the small pocket of my leggings. My hand freezes when I want to open the door.

"Maura?" I hear whimpers. Heavy sobs. Footsteps. "Maura!" I open the door and slam it shut behind me before running into the room where Maura is walking in circles. "Maur…"

She looks at me, her eyes red from crying, her cheeks wet with tears. Her shoulders drop and she lets out a relieved sob. "Jane!"

"Babe, what's going on?" I throw my card on the bed and hurry to take her in my arms.

"Oh, Jane…" Her shaking arms wrap around my waist and she clings to me as if I'm her last lifeline. She sobs against my chest, and her breathing is going quicker and quicker.

"Hey, breathe, baby… I'm here. We're safe."

She doesn't hear me. She pulls one arm away from around my waist and presses it to her chest to try and relieve pressure. "C'mere," I whisper, gently taking her towards the bed and sitting her down. "Lie down, baby." I carefully pull her back so she's lying on her back and I lie next to her on my side, looking at her and placing my hand on her stomach. "Breathe, Maura. Just breathe."

She's struggling. I know she can hear me but it's like her mind and body aren't cooperating. I know she's telling herself to stop acting stupid and just breathe like I tell her to but I also know it's not that simple. She turns her head and looks at me and I manage a hopefully reassuring smile. I look deeply into her eyes. "I'm here, we're safe. We're not in danger."

She nods, it's barely visible but she nods. She's hearing me. Her breath hitches in her throat again and her hand goes back up to her chest. I move my hand away from her stomach and cover hers over her heart while I press my lips against her temple where tears are running down onto the blankets. "Just breathe, baby," I whisper quietly, so quietly I'm not sure if she hears me but I know she understood when I feel her nodding again. "Shh," I soothe while pulling her against me. "Shhh, sweetie. Breathe. Let it out, that's it."

I whisper to her for a long time. She keeps her hand at her heart, desperately clutching mine. Her tears keep falling and I keep wiping them. I wipe her tears, unclench her fists and even wipe her nose. I try everything, everything in my power to help her and pull her out of this dark place. After what feels like hours, her breathing finally slows down and she opens her eyes and looks at me.

"S-sorry…"

I shake my head. "Don't be." I grab another tissue from the nightstand and gently dap her eyes and wipe her nose again, but it only seems to increase the flow of tears. "I'm sorry," I pull away, sensing that I crossed a boundary. "I didn't mean to-…"

"No." She shakes her head. "It's okay." Her voice is hoarse and I can hear the lump in her throat when she speaks. "T-thank you."

I don't reply and just kiss her temple again while I wrap her up in my arms for a loving hug. "Let me get you some water," I offer quietly. "Okay?"

She nods.

I carefully let her go, knowing that the loss of contact can sometimes send her back into the panic attack. "Okay?"

"Yeah." She smiles tiredly. Her tears are still flowing but her breathing is back to normal.

I grab a glass and fill it with water before hurrying back towards her, gently pulling her up to sit up against the headboard of the bed. "Here."

She sips the water and we stay silent for a long time, me gently running my left hand over her leg and brushing my right through her hair. She offers the empty glass to me and I put it away. I look at her and smile, brushing my fingers over her wet cheek. "I love you, Maura," I whisper to her. "I love you so much."

Her bottom lip quivers and a fresh flood of tears fills her eyes. She shakes her head and wipes them quickly. "I'm sorry, I-…" she sighs deeply and looks into my eyes. "You just wiped the mucus off my f-face and the first thing you say is 'I love you'."

"Well, it's the truth. I love you, mucus and all." I smirk and I'm happy to see a slight smile curling her perfect lips.

"I love you too," she whispers. "You're incredible and I love you."

I just nod and pull her back into my arms. I put my arm under her shirt and gently caress the skin on her back while I use my other hand to stroke her hair and keep her close. I feel her snuggling against me, her head in the crook of my neck, her arms wrapped tightly around my body. We stay like this for a long time and I keep pressing kisses to the side of her head and pulling her closer and closer even though we're as close to each other as we can get.

"You wanna tell me what happened?" I whisper after a long time. "Baby?"

She sighs and shifts, turning her head to rest it on my chest. "I feel silly."

"Well don't… I won't judge, Maura."

"I know." She smiles sadly and takes another deep breath. "I-… I panicked because you were gone. And I know this will make you feel guilty and I hate myself for making you feel that way, but it's the truth."

She's right. I do feel guilty; I shouldn't have left her. But I'm happy she's honest with me.

"I went down to the car because I left my book in there, and to get to the garage I had to go through this small alley and I just-… I panicked. I got my book and ran back to the room to you but you weren't there… I panicked. That's all."

"I'm sorry, Maura-…"

"No." She shakes her head. "It's not your fault. That alley just gave me a horrible flashback and I panicked. I have to learn to deal with this by myself."

I sigh and rest my cheek against her forehead on my chest. "But why, Maur? Why do you have to deal with it by yourself when I'm here to help you through it?"

"You won't be around all the time, Jane."

"But I am now." I pull back so I can look into her shimmering eyes, those beautiful eyes that look at me with love and trust. "I'm here now, so why force yourself to deal with these things by yourself when I'm here to help you?"

"Because we have to go back someday. Someday we have to go back to work and you won't be by my side at all times like you are now!"

"That's true. But by then, more time has passed and you've had time to process and become stronger. It's only been a few weeks, Maura." I cup her cheek and brush a strand of hair out of her face. "It's okay to need someone."

Tears fill her eyes and she slowly nods her head.

"It'll get better."

"I know." She smiles sadly and lifts herself up to press a kiss on my lips. "Thank you."

I smile while we kiss again, tasting salty tears and sweat. "You're welcome," I mumble against her lips. I feel her pulling herself back against me when we break the kiss, the embrace almost desperate as she clings to me. "I have to take a shower," I whisper when I notice my T-shirt clinging to my sweaty back and my skin getting cold from being damp.

"Hmm, no…" she hums and shakes her head. "Stay."

"I stink, Maura."

"You smell fine to me."

"Your nose is all stuffed up from crying."

She chuckles but snuggles tighter against me. "I don't care."

"How about you come with me?" I whisper, moving my head so I can look at her.

She smiles tiredly when she looks back at me. "I don't know if I'm up for that, Jane… I'm sorry-…"

"No we don't have to do anything, I just meant showering. Really just showering."

"Oh." She smiles and reluctantly pulls herself away from me. "That sounds lovely." She gets up from the bed and takes me with her towards the bathroom where I gently undress her, placing loving kisses on her skin while she does the same to me. The water of the shower is hot and her shower gel smells like flowers while I carefully wash her body before applying shampoo in her wet hair and gently massaging her scalp. She lets out a content hum, her eyes closed and a smile curling her lips.

When we finish, we get out and put ourselves in fluffy white robes before I wrap my arms around her waist from behind, pressing my lips against her bare shoulder. She's totally relaxed right now; I can feel it. Her shoulders are low, her breathing is steady and slow and her eyes are closed. She's okay.

"I love you, Jane," she whispers quietly, her voice soft and gentle. "Thank you for taking care of me."

"I love you too," I turn her around so I can look at her and kiss her lips before wrapping her up in a tight hug. "I love taking care of you."

She nods and her eyes are filled with happiness and love. "Will you let me take care of you as well?"

I avert my gaze and I take a moment before I nod my head. "Yeah." I feel her lips pressing against my forehead and her warm hand grabbing mine and leading us towards the bed. We take off the robes and slide under the blankets, curling up in each other's arms. Her fingers tickle up and down my back and her lips are pressing kisses on my jaw and chest while my arms are tightly wrapped around her upper body, our legs intertwined under the warm blankets.

We whisper a quiet goodnight and many 'I love you's' before I feel her drifting off to sleep. When I am absolutely sure she is sleeping peacefully I allow myself to close my eyes and immediately fall into a restless sleep, part of my sleeping self always aware of Maura and her wellbeing. But tonight she's okay. She sleeps through the night without nightmares or flashbacks. And as long as Maura is okay, I'm okay.


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N I'm so sorry for my absence! Life is insane and I was at loss for inspiration for a while. But here's another chapter, I really hope you like it. I don't think it has my ususal flow but it's nice to be writing again. Thank you all for reading, I'd love to hear from you!_

Chapter 4

I wake up in the arms of the woman I love and even though I feel a dull headache behind my eyes, I feel relaxed and free. Last night's breakdown had been coming for a while and I feel relieved now that it's over. It's like my head is clear and my heart is less heavy. I sigh contently and snuggle myself into the crook of Jane's warm neck, closing my eyes again to hopefully get a bit more sleep. But then I hear Jane's breathing pattern changing and I open my eyes to see her looking at me, wide awake.

"Hi."

"Hi." She smiles and kisses my forehead. "You had a good night, huh?"

I nod and suppress a yawn while I tangle my legs with hers. "I did. You?"

She hesitates for a second before she replies, her hesitation telling me that her night wasn't as good as she says it is.

"You should stop staying awake until I'm sleeping," I whisper quietly. "You need your sleep just as badly as I do."

"I'm good."

"Hm." I lift myself up, shivering when the blankets fall away from around my shoulders. I look at her and gently trace her cheek with the back of my fingers, moving them towards the circles under her eyes and her dark eyebrows. "You look tired," I whisper. "We should try to get some more sleep."

She groans softly and turns her head to look at the clock on the wall. "If we sleep longer we'll miss breakfast. And I'm hungry."

I want to protest but the sound of her stomach rumbling makes me chuckle. "Okay, breakfast it is then, I suppose."

She smiles that beautiful smile of hers and pulls me down for a sweet kiss. Her lips are warm and wet and I can't help but smile at the wonderful feeling of my love against me. We kiss for a while, our lips gliding together, her strong hands on my back, my hands tangling in her messy curls. We break apart with a loud smack and my smile is almost intoxicated as I look at her. "I love you, Jane," I whisper, leaning down for one more short kiss. "I love you with all my heart."

"I love you too," is her automatic reply but I know she means it. I can see it in the way her dark eyes sparkle and a loving smile is curling her lips.

"Breakfast?"

"Breakfast."

We get dressed and steal a few more kisses before heading towards the restaurant where a breakfast buffet is being served. It's not much but it's enough. We take our seat in a small booth and I slowly sip my coffee, closing my eyes as I enjoy the hot liquid warming me up.

"So, what's the plan?" I ask while putting my mug down.

"I'm thinking waffles."

"I mean for today, Jane. We'll leave this hotel today, right?"

"We booked until today, yeah."

"It'll be a beautiful day today. Maybe we can take a hike? Woods, maybe?" I say softly, squinting my eyes as I look outside. The morning sun is shining and the sky is blue, a sign that it will be a cold day today. Cold, but beautiful.

Jane nods. "I'll figure out a route later."

"What do you want to do, Jane?"

She shrugs her shoulders. "I'm okay as long as I'm with you."

I sigh and shake my head but I can't help smiling. "Jane. I know you love me and you'd do anything for me but I want you to have a good trip too!"

"I am having a good trip!"

"Okay, then tell me what you want to do." I point my finger at her, looking sharply into her eyes. "What do you want to do today?"

She sighs and smiles at me. "I want to… Eat some waffles, get our stuff, get into the car, drive for a few hours, stop to get a burger for lunch-…" she holds up her hands when I protest, "you can have a salad, then drive for a few more hours, find a forest, take a walk until sunset, watch the sunset with you and make out."

That love-induced smile is back on my face as I stare at her while she talks. "That sounds like a perfect day," I whisper. "Except for the burger. You know, you should really limit your red meat consumption. Even the fat-reduced ones are bad for your cholesterol and then I'm not even talking about the amount of carbs-…"

Suddenly her lips are on mine, effectively silencing me. I didn't even notice her standing up and leaning over the table and I have to keep myself from pulling her on top of me. She chuckles when we break apart. "You're adorable."

I tilt my head. "Adorable? I'm a grown woman-…" Another kiss and I forget what I was talking about.

She chuckles and presses her lips against my forehead. "Is this all you're eating? A bowl of fruit?"

"I'm not that hungry."

"I'm getting waffles."

"Waffles?"

"You can use some extra pounds." She's already standing up to get me those waffles.

I chuckle and shake my head, watching her leaving the table with those long, slim legs of hers, her confident walk and dark curls bouncing on her back. I can't help but wonder how I got so lucky. This woman is mine. She's my girlfriend, the love of my life. And she loves me back. She loves me more than she loves herself. And she's Jane. My Jane. My strong, protective, funny, caring and amazing Jane. My best friend and lover.

"What are you thinking about?" She puts a plate with waffles in front of me, along with a fresh filled cup of coffee while sliding into the booth next to me instead of across me.

I smile at her. "Nothing." I feel her arm wrapping around my shoulders and lean into her side, snuggling against her as I watch a family taking place in the booth next to us.

"Have a waffle," she says with her mouth full, holding a piece in front of my mouth.

I chuckle and shake my head but I take it anyway. It tastes good.

"Jeez, that's a lot of kids," Jane says while she looks at that family.

I look over and see a woman in her late thirties holding a toddler in her lap, two little girls next to her, talking to a boy who is balancing too many cups of orange juice on a plate. The woman looks exhausted. I can tell she's pretty but now her skin is pale and her hair is frizzy. She's mad at the boy and the toddler in her lap is making a mess with a spoonful of syrup.

Jane shakes her head. "It's just like Ma when we were little. She never learned it was a bad idea to take us to restaurants. And she only had three," her voice turns into a whisper, "damn, how many kids are there? Five?"

I chuckle quietly. "So it seems, yes." I snuggle against her and take another bite of waffle. We stay silent for a while, watching the family next to us. There doesn't seem to be a father and the woman is managing the kids' breakfast on her own, which seems to be quite difficult. But after a while, the kids quiet down and they are all eating peacefully.

"Look at them now," I whisper, watching the woman holding the toddler in her arms, kissing the boy's head as his small arms wrap around his mother's neck. "Jane?" I lift my head from her shoulder. "How do you feel about kids?"

"Kids?" She raises her eyebrows and looks at me. "You mean… Kids in general?"

I shrug. "Just… Kids."

"I like kids in general, as long as they don't scream, smell or break stuff." She smirks and fumbles with the fork in her hand. "But… Our kids? I'm gonna love those bastards to death. Screaming, smelling and breaking included."

"Our kids…" I quietly repeat, smiling at the idea of having children with Jane. A small child with her dark curls, her temperament but maybe my love of books and learning, Jane's love of sports and her protectiveness. I imagine myself as the woman next to us, hugging that sweet little boy in her arms while talking to the girls next to them, a sweet, loving smile lighting up her tired face. "I have never thought of myself as a mother but with you… I think it's possible."

"It's totally possible." She looks at me and smiles. "You'd be a perfect mother."

"I don't know about that, but I know it would be a true honor to raise a child with you," I whisper, looking into those dark eyes I love so much. They are sparkling with kindness as she watches one of the kids walking towards the buffet with an empty plate.

The girl looks up at us when she senses Jane looking at her. She smiles shyly when Jane gives her a sweet smile. "Try the waffles," she says softly. "They're good."

She smiles brightly, her cheeks pink with excitement. She nods and tucks a strand of loose blond hair behind her ear before running towards the food. I can't help but imagining Jane interacting with our own child. That loving smile, those sparkling eyes, the way her voice always changes when she talks to children, her movements so gentle and her nature so caring. It would be an honor to witness her as a mother.

"Boy, we're going fast." Her chuckle pulls me out of my thoughts and I look at her to see her shaking her head and smirking. "Marriage, kids… We haven't even celebrated an anniversary yet."

I point my finger at her. "You know I insisted on celebrating our two-month anniversary."

"Yeah I was busy with apartments burning down and stuff."

"I told you it would be a nice getaway. Don't say we haven't had an anniversary! I'm ready to marry you, have kids and grow old together, I don't care how long we've been in an official relationship." Our lips are suddenly inches apart and I smile when we connect, her hand on my cheek, our smiles lighting up the kiss.

"I don't want kids anytime soon, Maura," she whispers, looking down and blushing while our foreheads rest together. "I'm talking about the future, far away…"

"Oh, I know."

"Like… A year."

"A year?" I chuckle and pull back to look at her. "That's the future, far away?"

She shrugs. "Yeah. Life's short."

I nod and my hand goes up to brush through her dark curls. "It is."

"Things burn down, people get kidnapped, killed…" she shrugs her shoulders. "It's best to love as hard as you can while you can."

I swallow a lump in my throat and press my lips against hers again. "Come with me," I whisper against her mouth.

"What?"

"Come on." I take her hand and stand up from our seat. "I want to show you something."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"Wow, it's gorgeous up here!" My mouth falls open as I follow Maura up the stairs towards the roof of our hotel.

"Isn't it?"

"How do you know about this place? Are we supposed to be here?" I look around me but there is no one around and everything is quiet.

"There's a boy working here, I think he does something technical. Something with computers, maybe? Software engineer, I think." She shakes her head, getting lost in her own story. "Anyway, we got into a conversation and he told me about this place."

"I would love to know how that conversation went." I wrinkle my brow and take Maura's hand while we walk onto the roof. "I don't really remember what city we are in, but it sure is beautiful."

Maura nods and I tear my attention away from the view to look at an even more beautiful view; the view that is my girlfriend. Her hair is blowing in the wind, her eyes are squinted, her face is free from make-up and glowing, her lips curled up into a sweet smile. How does she get more beautiful with every breath she takes? I don't get it. It's like every time I look at her, she's even more gorgeous than the last time. I lift my hand and tuck a strand of soft, honey-blond hair behind her ear, eliciting a smile from her when she looks at me. I look into her eyes and my breath hitches for a moment as her beauty overwhelms me. Those eyes. They are green and blue and brown in one and they are big and sparkling with so much love. She smiles and reaches up to press her lips against mine in a loving kiss that makes my stomach flutter. I want to tell her how much I love her but I don't think words are enough. So I just wrap my arms around her, kiss her lips and pull her into an embrace.

"Jane," she whispers against the skin of my neck.

"Hm?"

She pulls back and looks at me intently. "Can I ask you something?"

"Ask away."

"Okay." She braces herself and I chuckle when I see her taking a deep breath.

"Getting nervous now, Maur," I smirk. "Should I be worried?"

She shakes her head and chuckles. "No, not at all. I just-…" she sighs and takes my hands in hers. "I'm a little afraid."

"Afraid?"

"Yes."

"Of…" I tilt my head and my brows knit together as I look at her.

"Going back home after this trip."

"We've only been on the road for a few weeks, Maura. Why don't we worry about that when we get there?"

"I know, I know. Just let me finish, okay?"

"Okay."

"This trip has been absolutely… Magical. And I know the road won't always be this easy and we'll have our difficulties along the way, but I know we love each other enough to get through that. And I want to make sure we keep this when we get home." She takes another breath and squeezes my hands. "I want to know I have you by my side when we get back. I want to know we'll be together, even after this little bubble of us bursts and we get back into the real world."

I look at her intently. "You know we'll be together, Maur," I whisper. "I won't leave."

She nods. "Will you marry me when we get back?"

For a split second her question surprises me and I am stunned into silence. That split second is all the time she needs for tears to fill her eyes before I laugh and wrap my arms around her waist. "Do you think you even have to ask? Maura!"

"Well… I know you deserve more than this and I know I don't have a ring… We could do this again later… I just wanted to ask you to make sure we want the same thing… You know, to let you know I'm in this as much as you are and that I love you enough to spend the rest of my life with you and I'm ready to make this commitment-…"

"Yes."

"What?"

"Yes! Of course I'll marry you when we get back." I smile brightly and squeeze my arms around her. "I'd marry you right now if I could, I just wanted to arrange a beautiful proposal and everything, y'know…"

More tears well up in her eyes but I know they are happy tears. "You planned on proposing?"

"You kinda beat me to it, yeah."

"What were you planning?"

"I'm not saying."

"Jane!"

"What? I want to keep things magical! Keep it a surprise! Romance, cheesy lines, stuff like that."

"Really?" She clutches her hand to her heart.

"Don't get like that." I point my finger at her. "You pretty much ruined it, you know. I had the whole thing planned out for when we got back."

"You didn't."

I blush slightly and lower my head. "Yeah. You're the one I want to marry, Maura. You're it."

She smiles and wraps her arms around my neck, pulling herself against me and resting her forehead against mine. "I love you," she whispers before kissing me, softly, gently and slowly. Her tears are wetting my cheeks and our kiss is slippery and sloppy but she's smiling so brightly when we break apart. "I love you so much, Jane," her breath hitches and a tear trickles down her cheek. "I'm so glad you're mine."

"All yours." I kiss her tear away and wrap her up in my arms, trying to pull her as close as humanly possible, but it's not close enough. I lower my head to snuggle myself into the crook of her neck, placing gentle kisses there to pour all my love into my actions because I know I won't be able to find the words. It's not enough. I want to pull her closer but we're already as close as humanly possible. I want to be closer to her, show her how much I love her, let her feel how I feel about her. She lets out a quiet moan when I kiss her jaw and I lift my head to whisper into her ear, "can I take you to bed, Maura?"

She nods, a shiver runs down her spine. "Please."

When her back arches off the bed, her mouth opens and the last moan rolls over her lips, I finally feel like I made her feel how much I love her. She hums and I try to lift myself off her but she pulls me back. "No," she mumbles, "stay."

"Hmm." I can only hum as I snuggle myself into the crook of her neck, smelling her faded body wash and the sweet smell of lovemaking.

"What about our plans for today?" she asks weakly after a long moment of silence.

"Screw the plans, let's stay here all day."

Maura chuckles and I feel her lips pressing against my temple. "We booked until today," she whispers. "Right?"

"Yeah but we can book another night."

She shakes her head. "No, I feel like getting out there again." Her arms wrap tighter around me and she inhales deeply, nuzzling into my hair. "Take that sunset walk with you."

"Yeah that was a pretty good plan, wasn't it?"

"Definitely." She chuckles and allows me to move away from on top of her so I can look at her gorgeous face. She has that pink blush on her cheeks like she always has after sex, her hair is messed up and her freckles are glowing and my heart skips a beat when she smiles at me and leans forward to gently press a kiss on my lips.

"You're gorgeous," I whisper against her lips. "Breathtaking."

"Stop it."

"No." I shake my head and kiss her again, smiling when she chuckles against me. "You're the most beautiful creature in the world and I'll never stop telling you."

"Thank you," her whisper is almost inaudible but her smile is genuine.

I kiss her again and again, small, sweet kisses that don't stop and make the butterflies in my stomach dance. "Maura," I mumble in between kisses, "babe…"

"Hmm," she doesn't stop kissing me.

"Baby," I pull back and chuckle.

"What?"

"We have to get out of here before noon if we don't want to book another night."

She sighs when she pulls away from me. "Right."

"I'm sorry." I smile, pressing my lips against hers again before rolling myself away from her so we can start packing. I want to get off the bed but I feel Maura grabbing my hand and pulling on my arm.

"Wait." She leans up and pulls me towards her to kiss me. "I love you."

I smile, looking at her lying on her side in bed, her eyes sparkling with love. "I love you too."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

December has started and we are walking through an unfamiliar town. It's late, the streets are empty and the stores are closed. The air is cold but Maura's hand in mine is warm as we walk in silence back to the car.

Christmas light are lighting up the streets and they are causing a knot in my stomach. I don't want to admit it, but I miss home. I never thought I would miss my intrusive, shrieking mother but I do. I miss her cannoli, I miss her warmth, her love and just her. I miss TJ, Frankie and Tommy.

Thanksgiving was okay. We spent it at a nice restaurant and then took a long walk and told each other what we're thankful for. But Christmas is different. Every time I look at the store windows next to me I see presents for my family that I so badly want to give them. But when I look at Maura next to me, I see a happy sparkle in her eyes and I don't want to feel the way I do. She doesn't feel the same way. She's happy here, this is good for her. So I keep my feelings to myself to allow her to be happy. Even though every time I see a Christmas tree or those damn lights, my stomach aches.

"Oh look," Maura squeezes my hand and points at a store window. "That would look so good on you."

I pull myself out of my thoughts and look at the pantsuit she's pointing at. "Looks uncomfortable."

"But you would be very, very sexy in it." She smirks at me and I reply with a weak smile, the ache in my stomach too persistent to be genuine.

She furrows her brow. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." I take her hand and continue our walk. "Just tired."

She doesn't believe me. I can tell. But I flash a fake smile and quicken our pace. I feel bad for not talking to her but I want so badly to keep her in the state she is in now. I don't want to disappoint her. She decides to let it slide and keeps walking, a little closer to me.

We make our way to the hotel we've booked for the night. It's old, small and anything but fancy, but the halls are decorated with Christmas lights and we are on the top floor with a great view over whatever city we are in right now. We drop our stuff and Maura announces she is going to take a shower before I make my way to the window, opening the curtains and looking at down in the dark. Everything is lit with lights. The houses are decorated and I spot a few Christmas trees in the apartment building opposite us. Lights are slowly being turned off as the world goes to sleep but the Christmas decorations in the streets stay on.

It reminds me of last year, when my mother insisted on having a Christmas tree. I tried to talk her out of it but she wouldn't have any of it. She dragged Maura along with her and they spent an entire afternoon decorating it until every single light was in the right place. I had to admit it looked beautiful. It gave Maura's clean, stylish house a warm glow. I think about the Christmas Eve we spent there, my mother telling stories about 'the good old days' while we drank hot chocolate and ate too many snacks. Frankie stopped by after work that night. He brought eggnog and a present for all of us since he would spend Christmas with his girlfriend. We unwrapped the gifts and stayed up until late that night. I ended up spending the night with Maura, like I so often did even before we got together. I remember waking up next to her. I remember wishing I could turn over and wrap my arms around her. Wishing I could kiss her, hold her and tell her how much I loved her. I couldn't back then.

A sound in the room next to us pulls me out of my thoughts and I realize my vision is blurry from the tears that have formed in my eyes. I shake my head and tear my attention away from the darkness outside, closing the curtains to get ready for bed.

The bed is small and the room feels cold, the walls are boring and white, the lights are too bright and the sheets feel harsh against my skin. I pull a sweater over my head when I realize how cold I am and turn on my side, trying to ignore the gnawing feeling in my stomach.

I can't. After a few minutes, the gnawing turns into pain and I feel myself curling up, my defense falling as tears start to trickle down into my pillow. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm a grown woman and I should be able to spend Christmas away from home but all I want to do is get in the car and drive back to Boston.

"This shower is absolutely awful," Maura exclaims while getting out of the bedroom. She throws the towel on the back of a chair when she finishes drying her hair, shivering in the coldness of the room before sliding into bed next to me and turning off the light. "Jane?"

I don't reply. I'm biting my lip to try and stop my tears from falling, but my breath hitches in my throat and I know Maura heard it.

"Jane…"

I shake my head. I taste blood from biting my lip too hard and I clench my fists against my stomach. "I'm okay," I manage to get out.

"You are anything but okay," Maura whispers and I feel her leaning herself up behind my back so she can look at me in the darkness of the room. "Jane, sweetheart…"

I close my eyes and try to stop crying. I feel ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. I want to get up and run away, far away from the embarrassment that is this moment. But I know I can't. I have to tell her.

She moves closer to me and I feel her warm hand brushing my hair away, gently touching my wet cheek before she kisses my temple. "Babe…"

I sniffle and wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. I take a deep, shuttering breath before I can swallow the lump in my throat and speak. "I wanna go home, Maura," I say hoarsely. My breath hitches and I open my eyes to stare at the wall. "I want to spend Christmas with my family," I whisper. "I miss my mother and my brothers and I miss Boston. I miss home and everything there."

"Then we go home," her voice is clear and laced with love. "First thing tomorrow."

I shake my head and turn to look at her, seeing her hazel eyes shimmering with tears. She looks at me with so much love and care it brings more tears to my eyes. "You're happy here," I swallow and feel her brushing her fingers through my hair. "You're not ready to go back, I know you're not."

"I'm ready to follow you wherever you want to go," she replies softly. "And if you want to go home, I'll go home with you."

"No. No, I don't want to take this from you."

"You're not taking anything."

"Maura-…."

"Jane, I can never be happy if you're unhappy." She gently urges me to turn around to face her and I let her, turning on my other side so our faces are only inches apart. She rests her hand on my cheek and makes soft strokes with her thumb. "Your pain is my pain," she whispers while a tear trickles down into her temple, "your happiness is my happiness. I don't want to do this without you."

I stop trying to make the tears stop. I let them fall and allow Maura to tangle her legs with mine and move as close to me as she possibly can. Our foreheads rest together and I grab her hand and move it to my chest. "The thing is-…" I sigh and look down to avoid her intense and loving gaze, "I'm not done with this trip either. I want to keep exploring the world with you, I want to discover more beautiful places and I want you to myself longer. I need more time to heal and to recharge. I just-… I just need to see my family too."

"Then how about we go home for Christmas?" she asks quietly. "It'll be a long trip from where we are but we can make it in time. We spend Christmas and New Year's in Boston, and then we continue."

I look back at her, straight into those godly beautiful eyes I love so much and she nearly takes my breath away. She looks at me with so much love, so much unconditional, endless love. Her hand is in my hair, stroking softly, her other hand clutching mine against my chest and I know she's mine and I am hers. She will follow me wherever I go and I will follow her. No matter if we go home or to the end of the world, we'll go together.

"That sounds good," I whisper when I can finally find my voice again. "I just don't want to disappoint you…"

"You can't. I promise." She pushes us closer together and rubs her nose against mine. "I would love to see your mother again and to be very honest, at nights like this I miss my bed and my luxurious shower."

I chuckle, relieved to feel the mood lightening up. "That shower of yours."

"Hm, you know the benefits of it." She smirks and carefully presses her lips against mine for a light and tender kiss. When we pull back she is cupping my cheek and looking into my eyes. "We'll go home," she whispers. "Spend the holidays with your family-…"

"Our family."

"What?"

"Our family. It's your family too."

She smiles. "We'll spend the holidays with our family. And then we go back to whatever more places we want to discover."

"I heard Canada is nice."

She laughs, the most beautiful sound in the entire world. "If you want to, we'll go to Canada. I don't care as long as you are with me."

My arms wrap around her waist and I pull her partly on top of me, wanting her as close as possible. "I love you so much," I whisper into her still damp curls, inhaling the lovely smell of her coconut shampoo. "I love you more than you'll ever know."

She nuzzles herself against me. "I love you too," she answers quietly.

We stay silent for a minute, simply enjoying being close and listening to the sound of each other's steady breathing until Maura lifts her head from my chest. "Jane?"

"Hm?"

"Will you please tell me next time?"

I open my eyes. "Tell you what?"

"Tell me when you're unhappy. Will you please tell me instead of keeping it to yourself?"

I nod slowly. "I was just afraid of ruining this for you," I whisper. "You were so happy."

"I still am." She smiles sadly and brushes her thumb across my jaw. "I want you to be honest, Jane. I want you to tell me what's on your mind so we can handle it together."

"I know."

"You'd want the same from me, right?"

I think about that for a while and she's right. It would kill me knowing that she was unhappy and didn't tell me. I always want to make her happy. "Yeah. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I know how hard it can be to admit to your feelings."

"I'll try next time," I whisper. "I promise."

She nods and moves back to our previous position, snuggling herself tightly against me. "I love you," she repeats so quietly I can barely hear her. "My sweet, beautiful detective."

"I love you," I rub my hands up and down her back, partly to comfort and love her, but mostly because this room is so cold I can feel myself shivering. "How can this room be so cold?"

"I think the thermostat doesn't work," she replies sleepily. "That's probably why my shower turned cold."

"Worst hotel so far. Checking it off the list."

Maura chuckles. "It's just for one night. Tomorrow we leave."

I nod and press my lips against the side of her head, smiling against her when she whispers, "tomorrow we go home."


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N I'm sorry for the delay! I got distracted starting another story. I've had this chapter written for a while but didn't get around to checking it. I did it quickly so I apologize for any mistakes! I'm not finished with this story. There will be at least two more chapters, maybe more if I find the inspiration. Let me know what you think, all of your reviews warm my heart!_

Chapter 7

"I know you don't like spending a night in the car Maura, but I'm afraid we have no choice."

Maura breathes deeply and rubs her eyes. "It's okay, I can take over."

"No way," I shake my head, looking over at her after I change lanes. "You can barely keep your eyes open."

"But it'll take longer," she says while she stretches her back. "If we continue now, we'll make it home by tomorrow afternoon."

"A few hours later is no big deal," I take the exit and turn the car into an empty parking space by a gas station. "I'd rather have us get there in one piece."

Maura sighs but she knows I'm right. Now that we've decided to go home for Christmas, she's eager to get back. She gets out of the car and opens the back to grab some blankets, arranging them in the backseat before looking at me when I get out. "Lie with me?" she asks, reaching out her hand.

I can never resist the way she looks at me, her eyes big and pleading, a loving smile curling her lips, her arms reached out to hold me. I nod and get into the backseat with her. It's small and slightly uncomfortable but I push a pillow up to the door and when she lies in between my legs and snuggles on top of me, I forget about the ache in my neck. I lock the doors and kiss her head while she pulls a blanket over us. "Just for an hour or two," I whisper. "Until we both have enough energy to drive again."

She nods against my neck, her right hand is on my chest, her other arm wrapped around me underneath me somewhere. "Do you think we can stop to buy some Christmas presents tomorrow?" she asks quietly. "I feel bad coming home empty-handed."

"Yeah, sure. We'll buy Ma some chocolate or something."

She slaps my side. "Chocolate?"

"Ow! She loves chocolate!"

"I'd like to get her a proper gift."

"Chocolate sounds fine to me. And besides, she'll be plenty happy to see us. We don't need to bring a fancy gift."

"Okay, that's true." She smiles against me and I can tell we're both thinking about the surprise she'll get when we get home tomorrow. I don't like to admit it, but I look forward to my mother's warmth. I missed it. Maura takes a deep breath and I feel her lips pressing against my jaw. "Try to get some sleep," she whispers. "I love you."

"I love you too." I smile into her hair and feel my eyes closing, my body aching with exhaustion.

When I wake up, I look at my watch to see I've slept for two and a half hours. I have a little more energy but my back is aching. Maura is still on top of me, she has curled up against me and her head is resting on my chest, an adorable little snore sounding through the silent car. Early morning light is shining through the windows and I want to get on the road again. "Maura," I whisper, gently nudging her. "Maura, baby."

"Hmm." She groans and snuggles tighter against me.

"I'm okay to drive," I say quietly. "Let's get some coffee."

"Hm hm." She nods slowly but I can't tell she's still halfway asleep.

"C'mon, honey." I kiss her temple and move us a little bit to wake her. "We're going home."

"Home." She smiles tiredly and lifts her head, her eyes adorably small when she reaches out to softly kiss me. "Coffee first."

I chuckle. She's the cutest when she's barely awake. Once she's awake, she's all chipper and happy but when she's like this, she's adorable and even a little grumpy. She always catches a few minutes of extra snuggling and those are my favorite minutes of every day. I enjoy these minutes with everything I have before we stumble out of the car and stretch our aching muscles. We get some coffee at the gas station and then continue our way, Maura driving the car while she chats about Christmas presents and the dinner Ma is preparing, which we will attend unannounced, a fact she is very worried about no matter how many times I tell her Ma cooks for the entire city.

We have turned shifts again so I drive into Boston. It's late in the afternoon and tomorrow around this time will be Christmas Eve. I feel excited when we finally drive into our street. Our house is dark but the lights are on in the guesthouse, telling us Ma is home.

I'm eager to get out of the car and Maura chuckles when I roughly turn the car into the garage. I turn on the light and I hear a door opening a few moments later.

"Who's there?" Ma's voice calls into the darkness of the backyard.

I smirk at Maura and see an exciting sparkle in her eyes when she calls out. "It's us!"

"Maura?" she comes into view and gasps when she sees us. "Janie!" Immediately, her arms are wrapped around me and I can barely breathe.

"Hi, Ma," I whisper, hugging her back, smiling at the familiar warmth of my mother.

"Is everything okay? Is something wrong?" she moves away from me and studies Maura for a second before wrapping her up in a tight hug.

"Everything is fine," Maura smiles. "We just wanted to visit the family for Christmas."

"You're staying for Christmas?" she claps her hand together.

I nod and chuckle when she hugs me again. "I hope we can still join in on Christmas dinner."

"Of course!" she smiles widely and takes my arm. "Come in, come in. Let me get you something to drink."

We walk into the house and I notice I feel strange being back home. Everything is the same but at the same time it feels different. Maybe we are different and that's why the house feels different. I sit down at the kitchen counter and watch Ma and Maura making a pot of tea. "How are you, Ma?"

"Oh you know, nothing special. Life goes on, just a little boring without you two around."

I hum and smile when Maura pours me some tea. "How's the job at the police café?"

"It's fine, Larry has been sick for a few weeks so things are actually calm!"

"Is it serious?" Maura asks, sliding a cup towards Ma.

She shakes her head. "I don't think so, he's taking his sweet time recovering from the flu or something."

"What about Tommy and Frankie?"

"They're just fine." Ma smiles at me. "TJ is growing so quickly, you'll barely recognize him tomorrow."

"I can't wait."

"But how are you girls? Where have you been, what have you seen?" My mother smiles excitedly and sits down next to me, looking at the both of us.

"Oh, we've been everywhere." Maura takes a sip of her tea and hums contently. "It's been absolutely amazing."

"You look good, both of you."

We spend the night talking, catching up on everything that has happened the past few months. We drink tea and then wine, Ma makes snacks and she calls the entire family to let them know we'll be home for Christmas. The night is wonderful. I mostly listen to Ma and Maura talking but it makes me happy. I see how happy my mother is to have us back and I see how happy it makes Maura to have a loving mother listening to her stories.

When we get to the late hours of the night, we decide it's time to get some sleep and my Ma goes back to the guesthouse while we head upstairs. It's strange, our bed looks exactly the same as we left it even though I feel like so much has happened. It still has the same sheets, the same pillows, the same atmosphere. Our nightly routine is quick even though we have to grab everything from bags since we are still mostly packed. But when I slide into bed, I hum contently and close my eyes at the feeling of the soft mattress and silky sheets.

"God, there's nothing like my own bed," Maura sighs when she does the same. "I missed it."

"Hm." I hum and turn on my side to face her, seeing her smiling at me in the dimmed lights of the small lamp on the nightstand. I slowly reach up my hand and stroke her cheek with my thumb. "I'm gonna have to get used to sharing you again," I whisper. "I've had you all to myself for so long…" I smile when she smiles at me and leans forward to kiss my lips. "I'm happy you're happy to be home," I say quietly.

"Very happy." She nods and moves towards me to tangle her legs with mine. "It's very nice to have someone listen to everything we've done and seen. Your mother seems genuinely interested."

"She is, she'll want to know what we did every single day, we'll never hear the end of it."

She chuckles and wraps her arms around me, my arms around her waist and one in her soft honey-blond curls. "Can I ask you something?" 

"Anything."

"Do you really want to go back on the road next week?"

I think about it for a few moments, processing the question. I love being back home. But when I move my hands up and down Maura's back, I still feel tension in her shoulders. I didn't miss the slight hint of fear in her eyes when she entered the dark house, afraid of whatever could be hiding. "I want what's best for you," I whisper back. "Your tank isn't empty yet."

She shakes her head. "No, but what's best for you?"

"When I think about going back to work…" I sigh deeply, "it scares me a little. I want to enjoy us a little longer. I want to enjoy having you safe by my side. And I don't want you to have the burden of not knowing whether or not I'll come home in one piece every day."

She nods slowly, her hand making soft strokes on my chest.

"Do you want to get out there again?"

She nods. "Yes, I do. I love it. I love not knowing where we'll sleep at night, I love exploring beautiful sights with you, I love having you all to myself. I know we'll have to get back sooner or later, but I would really like a little more time. Until I'm fully recharged and ready to go back."

"Then we agree," I smile and gently kiss her soft lips. "We'll go back next week."

She pulls herself tighter against me and rests her forehead against mine while placing light kisses against the corner of my lips. "But first we'll enjoy our time at home," she whispers. "With our family."

"Our family." I smile at her words and close my eyes, pulling her on top of me and wrapping her up tightly. I kiss the side of her head and whisper a quiet 'I love you', feeling myself drifting to sleep in our luxurious bed. It doesn't take long before her steady breathing tells me she's asleep so I allow myself to give in to my exhaustion and fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N This will be the last chapter of this story for now. I do have some more ideas, but I think it's a nice point to end it here, and I don't have the time and energy I would like to put into this. I might add something to it later on, so give it a follow and you'll be notified if I do. Thank you so much for your kind reviews, for reading this story and for sticking with me! It means the world to me. I hope you like this last chapter._

Chapter 8

Christmas with the Rizzoli family is never the same. It's loud, overwhelming and sometimes even confusing, but mostly it's warm and loving. Angela outdid herself again with dinner and she allowed me to make the salad, which appeared on the menu much to Jane's disappointment. We managed to get some presents for everyone last minute and they even got us a few presents too. I loved it. I love sitting around the tree, listening to Frankie and Tommy bickering, Angela trying to break it up while TJ plays on the floor with Jane.

I love seeing that caring, sweet look in Jane's eyes when she interacts with her little nephew. She's so good with children. She makes him laugh and knows just the games he likes. In this case, it involved a very inconvenient game of driving the little toy cars all over our furniture until one of them 'won' the race. I almost chastised them for ruining the marble on the fireplace but the way TJ laughed convinced me to stay quiet.

Ever since I've been a part of the Rizzoli family, I feel more at home than I have ever felt before. Christmas with my parents always consisted of a formal dinner with their friends and fancy presents under a professionally decorated tree. With the Rizzoli family, things are loud and messy. The gifts are anything but fancy and the tree is a mess. But I love it. I'd rather get a pair of socks with so much love and laughter than a thousand-dollar gift, given with a mandatory smile. They make me feel loved. They make me feel like a part of their family even though I'm so different. I'm forever grateful for them.

It's a shame days like this have to end. The family has left and we are putting the last glasses in the dishwasher. I close it and notice Jane has left the room. "Jane?"

"Hold on," she calls from the guestroom downstairs.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting your present." She smiles when she walks back into the kitchen.

"Present? Jane, we agreed not to get each other presents!"

She shrugs. "I got one anyway."

I tilt my head and purse my lips. "That's not what we promised."

She looks down and I see a hint of shame crossing her face, but I quickly stop her by cupping her cheek. "But I got you something as well."

"You did?" 

I nod. "Hold on." I hurry towards the garage and open the back of the car where I hid the small present I got her. I run back to the kitchen and put it on the counter. "Who first?"

"Me." She takes a deep breath and looks deeply into my eyes. She smiles nervously and takes a little black box out of her pocket, eliciting a gasp from me. "I promised you this," she whispers. She slowly lowers herself down and ends up on her knee.

I put my hands in front of my mouth and feel tears burning in my eyes. "Oh, Jane…"

"Maura Isles…" she sighs and lowers her head to find the right words. "God, this was a bad idea."

"It's not." I shake my head while a few tears trickle down my cheek. I lower myself in front of her, grabbing my own gift from the counter before I come to the same level as her. "I think we had the same idea."

Her eyes go wide when she notices the similar shaped box I'm holding. "Damnit."

I chuckle and shake my head. I take her hand in mine. "Jane Rizzoli… I love you with everything I have. You are my friend, my lover, my partner in crime, my everything. I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you and I know I already asked you this… But will you marry me?"

"Maura… You are the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on. You are brilliant, caring, so sweet and so good to everyone around you. All I want to do is make you happy. I want to grow old with you, have a family with you, love you and be with you until the day I die. And I know I already said yes, but yes, there's nothing I'd rather do than marry you."

Before she even finishes her last words my arms are already wrapped around her, my lips kissing her neck while I try to pull her as close as humanly possible. "I love you so much, Jane," I whisper through the tears in my eyes.

"I love you more." She pulls back and opens the box, taking out a gorgeous silver ring. It's absolutely beautiful. It has a few diamonds and it's slim, but it fits me perfectly. I get out her ring and she gasps when she sees it. I picked a simple ring for her, knowing she wouldn't like big stones or anything too sparkly. She's giving me just the reaction I was hoping for.

"It's perfect," she whispers. "Absolutely perfect."

I look at the ring that is now on my finger and blink the tears away in my eyes. It looks perfect. It's a reminder of the fact that I am truly engaged to the love of my life, the most amazing woman in the universe. I chuckle when I look up at my love. "I can't believe we both came up with the same idea to get a ring."

"Right?" She raises her hand. "How'd you even do it? We spend every minute of every day together!"

"Not really, you go running sometimes. And you know… Sometimes you use the bathroom." I smile and brush a curl behind her ear before I help her get up from the floor. "You did the same, and you pulled it off as well."

"Yeah, but I could just order it while you were reading. Easy peasy." She smirks. "I just prayed it would be as perfect as I hoped it would be when the package got here."

"It is. It's perfect, I love it." I pull her back into a hug and press my lips against hers. "I love you," I whisper against her. "I can't wait to marry you."

She rests her forehead against mine, her eyes filled with tears and love. She stares at me for a few moments, simply staring and being quiet, smiling lovingly. She chuckles after a short silence and captures my lips in another kiss, this time passionate and deep. I moan against her and smile when she lifts me up. My legs wrap around her waist and we stumble up the stairs, never breaking our kiss.

I lift her sweater and fumble to unhook her bra, pulling both over her head when she slowly drops me on the bed. I moan when her naked chest comes into view, I gently cup her and pour all my love into our kiss while she unzips my dress. Once our clothes are gone, we lie on top of each of each other and freeze, looking in each other's eyes without moving. I love feeling her skin against mine. She is warm and so strong yet so soft. Her hands are trembling when she moves them over my skin, but her touch is still determined and loving. When she kisses me, my stomach tingles and my entire body hums with pleasure.

"I love you so much," I whisper against her lips. "My fiancé."

She smirks and nuzzles herself into the crook of my neck, placing kisses against my skin. "I like the sound of that."

"Hmm," I moan when her tongue moves over my neck to my collarbone. "I do too."

We barely sleep that night. We make love gently and excruciatingly slow, with passion and heat, with laughter and fun, with love and care. She overwhelms me. Her scent, her touch, her heart touches me and fills me up. I can never get enough of her. That tall, strong body, those unruly dark curls, those deep brown eyes, that intoxicating smile… I'll never get tired of her. It's like I'm addicted to her touch. Every single time she touches me, my stomach tingles and a feeling of happiness fills my heart.

During the week that follows, we take some space from each other. She meets her friends at the Dirty Robber, I attend a lecture on forensic science. She goes to a baseball game while I go shopping with Angela. We spend some time apart only to find each other again at the end of the day, spending every single minute as close to each other as we can.

This week is good for her, I can tell. She feels more alive and sparkling. She loves to see everyone again and she loves being back in Boston for a while. But by the end of the week, we're both itching to get out there again. Being home has too many memories. Memories of kidnapping, murder and stalkers. We need more time to get away from the memories, to strengthen ourselves so that when we get back, we are strong enough to handle them.

So, after we've spent New Year's with the family, we pack our bags again. We say goodbye and hit the road again. To where? We don't know. We are driving in the early morning sun, away from Boston, away from memories. Jane's hand is resting on my thigh as I drive across the mostly empty highway. I take her hand and lace our fingers together, hearing the sound of our rings clashing. It makes me smile. I look to my side and see her staring at me with a similar smile curling her lips.

"Are you okay?" I ask softly, knowing that it was hard for her to say goodbye to her family.

She nods. "Yeah. I'm ready to be on the road again."

I smile and squeeze her hand while looking back at the road in front of me. The sun is high in the sky, a small layer of snow is covering the fields next to the highway. "Where do you want to go?" I ask, feeling her looking at me.

She shrugs. She rests her head back against the headrest, staring at the road with a relaxed smile. "I don't care," she whispers. "Anywhere."

I smile and take a random exit, without looking where it will lead us. "Anywhere it is."


End file.
